Hello friends and welcome back to Life Reimagined, a free weekly elixir designed to make you feel good and live better. |
It's obvious that friendship is essential to a life well-lived, yet many of us struggle to maintain a vibrant social life as adults. |
This week, I wrote an essay with some ideas and techniques that have helped me make and keep friends as an adult. My hope is that some of these ideas will also be useful for you, regardless of your age or the current state of your social life. |
I've included the full essay below, and you can also read it here. |
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🚶 I. How to Make Friends as an Adult |
I noticed something interesting recently. Over the last decade, more and more people have been searching for "how to make friends as an adult" on Google. |
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I don't know why this is happening, and I'm not here to play the blame game. Adults want more friends and need real answers, not another dissertation about the root causes of adult loneliness. |
Below, I share a few ideas and techniques that have helped me build a socially vibrant life as an adult. Not everything that has helped me will help you, but I suspect that some of it will. |
Okay, you get it. Let's get to the good stuff so you can stop listening to a stranger on the internet and find more friends to share life with. |
Don't be a hermit |
We played a game called "hermit" in my fraternity. If you were asked (forced) to play, you had to grab six beers, sit in a corner of the room, and stare at the wall in silence until you finished your beers. Hermit is a great game for getting drunk, but no one makes friends playing the game. |
Making friends in adulthood follows a similar dynamic. Friendship is built on shared experience, and you can't have that shared experience if you play the adult version of hermit, which is to stay at home, DoorDash your ice cream, and watch Friends for the fourth time. |
So if you're serious about making more friends, pick up a sharpie and write "I WILL NOT BE A HERMIT" on your bathroom mirror. Then, go out into the world in whatever ways you can manage. |
Work from the same cafe for a week and practice chatting with the baristas. Say hello to people at the dog park. Say yes to any invitations you get. Do anything but sit in your house expecting that people will knock on your door and cure your loneliness. No one is coming to save you. |
Now that you're motivated to leave the house, let's talk about how to be with people. |
Don't be dull |
You're a weirdo. I'm a weirdo. We're all weirdos. Not weirdos in a creepy way, but people with beating hearts and blushing faces and eccentric beliefs and interests. |
Don't hide your quirks from people. Tell a stranger that you think Bukowski is a beast of a man, but that his poetry makes your blood pump. Let a colleague know that you want to open a food truck that serves pupusas and peanut butter pie. Don't settle for dull, surface-level talk. |
Sharing what makes you tick helps you in three ways. The first is that you can exist in the world as YOU, not some shell of a person who walks through life afraid to be who they are. The second is that you find kindred spirits. And third, sharing your interests makes you more interesting, and being interesting is worth at least 25 likeability points. |
But Calvin, what if people think I'm weird? You're going to have to get over that. Some people will think you're weird, but who cares? We're all heading for the grave one day. It's better to be a weirdo with friends than dull and lonely in your brief moment on this spinning rock. |
Park your ego at home |
People don't care that you went to Princeton, traveled the world, and now make a living as a fledgling writer. Let your grandma tell that tale. No one worth knowing cares about what you've done or what you own; they care about who you are. |
Who you are is revealed by how you behave. Are you present, curious, positive, honest, kind, reliable, and overall a good lad who will show up in both the good times and the bad? If so, you'll make more real friends than the stuffy credentialites who sip espresso martinis and ask, "So…what do you do?" |
Get curious |
Pretend that every person you meet is God herself. You can't impress God. She already knows all of your good deeds and dirty secrets. The best you can do is to learn from her. |
When you believe that everyone is a god who can teach you something, you will stop being a judgmental asshat and start finding points of connection with more people. |
Store clerks, cab drivers, used-book store dwellers, naive youths, temporary lovers, and snoopy neighbors will suddenly become wells of wisdom and friendship. |
Most of these people will not become friends, but some of them will. |
Don't fret about bad impressions |
It feels crummy when you say the wrong thing at a party or are irritable and "off your game" when meeting new people. I've had many restless nights in bed replaying the tape in my head about how I could have done something differently in a social encounter. |
However, time has revealed that almost all of my fretting about social stumbles has been a big waste of time and energy. |
No one becomes your friend because you present yourself perfectly. The people who you want to stick around enjoy your company even when you're not as charming or affable or funny or graceful as you want to be. They like you despite (and sometimes because) of your quirks. |
So if you flub something up, dwell on it for a bit, but let it go as fast as you can and go on living. |
Find the forums that work for you |
There are endless ways to meet people, but depending on your interests and personality, you will find it easier to form friendships in some contexts than others. |
Some people love meeting friends of friends; other people dig meeting strangers. Some people enjoy one-off events; others enjoy regular meetups over shared hobbies. Some people love going out for drinks; others thrive at intimate dinner parties and poetry readings. |
Don't worry about whether you're an extrovert, introvert, or whateververt. There is no "right" or "best" way to meet new people or nurture relationships. All that matters is that you find what feels good to you. |
If you don't know what you like, pour yourself a glass of whiskey, try many activities over the next six months, and pay attention. Stop doing the stuff you don't like, and double down on the forums that you enjoy. |
Be responsive and flexible |
The early stages of friendship are fragile. You and the other person are feeling each other out. If there is an initial flame, nurture it with gasoline. Respond to texts, send memes, share invites, and change your schedule to make time for the person. |
Don't be a "sorry for the delay, but I'm a bad texter and have been busy" type of person. Your lack of responsiveness will suck the air out of the flame of friendship and leave dog poo on its doorstep. And you will be left standing in the stinky ashes wondering why you still don't have friends. |
Avoid lukewarm connections |
Friendship is a decision between you and another person to make the time and space to get to know the weirdest parts about each other. For this process to work, you both need to be into it. |
Sadly, that's not always the case. Sometimes you think someone is awesome, but they don't think the same about you. Other times, someone likes you, but you're kinda "meh" on them. And sometimes, you're both only hanging around because it's convenient. |
Don't waste time on any of these variations of lukewarm connections. These sluggish relationships will suck the limited time and energy you have, preventing you from building the rewarding relationships that are available if you find the courage and patience to build them. |
And if someone you like doesn't like you, don't take it personally. You may not be their cup of tea, or they may already have a vibrant social life. The reason does not matter. What matters is that you don't waste time with people who don't want to have you in their lives. |
Even when it's fast, it's slow |
In college, you can make friends quickly. Making friends as an adult is different. People are busy, spread out, and often less open to letting new people into their lives. |
They're also in different stages of their lives. Some people are in grind at work mode, others are in young parent mode, and others are drifting souls who aren't sure if they'll be in the same town a month from now. |
The complex social landscape of adulthood means that adult friendships take more time to build. It often takes at least a year to build enough trust and shared experience with a new person to call them a real friend. |
So don't get too worried if you've been trying for a few months and don't have new besties. That's normal! |
Don't forget: people are lonely as hell! |
 | Made with Midjourney. |
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Do you know what this picture is? It's the sad and lonely inner world that plagues most people in our hyper-connected and fast-moving era. |
Modern life gives us free porn and burgers in bed, but it is also overwhelming and leads many of us into an isolating spiral of worry, comparison, and doubt. And if you stay in that spiral for too long, you may begin to believe that you're the only lonely person out there. |
The good news is that you're not the only one. Not even close. Most people are spiraling and want more friends to share this crazy life with. |
So as a final tip, do yourself a favor: Stop feeling bad about yourself and the current state of your social life. There is a vast world of fellow lonely souls who want to connect with people like you. If you want proof, put on some pants and interact with the real world. |
Talk to 10 strangers. Host a dinner party. Organize a morning run. Take a drawing course. Just get out there. You'll be surprised by the warm reception you'll receive. And little by little, your social life will become more vibrant. I promise. |
Alright, I'm done babbling for now. Put your phone down and get after it. |
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🧘♂️ II. Audiobook I'm Enjoying |
Many people have recommended Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts over the years, and I'm finally diving into this long, beautiful story. I've listened to a third of the audiobook, and the story is living up to the hype. |
Here's the description from Amazon in case you're interested: |
"An escaped convict with a false passport, Lin flees maximum security prison in Australia for the teeming streets of Bombay, where he can disappear. Accompanied by his guide and faithful friend, Prabaker, the two enter the city's hidden society of beggars and gangsters, prostitutes and holy men, soldiers and actors, and Indians and exiles from other countries, who seek in this remarkable place what they cannot find elsewhere. As a hunted man without a home, family, or identity, Lin searches for love and meaning while running a clinic in one of the city's poorest slums, and serving his apprenticeship in the dark arts of the Bombay mafia. The search leads him to war, prison torture, murder, and a series of enigmatic and bloody betrayals. The keys to unlock the mysteries and intrigues that bind Lin are held by two people. The first is Khader Khan: mafia godfather, criminal-philosopher-saint, and mentor to Lin in the underworld of the Golden City. The second is Karla: elusive, dangerous, and beautiful, whose passions are driven by secrets that torment her and yet give her a terrible power. Burning slums and five-star hotels, romantic love and prison agonies, criminal wars and Bollywood films, spiritual gurus and mujaheddin guerrillas―this huge novel has the world of human experience in its reach, and a passionate love for India at its heart." |
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🧠 III. Something I'm Thinking About |
I believe that most of us know what we need to do. Sure, we can be blinded by numbing agents, fear, insecurity, and people that distract and paralyze us, but even then, there is a faint voice telling us what's good and right. |
The challenge of life is learning how to hear, trust, and listen to that voice. Developing this skill is important because it is the best way to avoid the painful moments in life when you realize that you have acted or not acted too late, which is the theme of Bukowski's poem "oh yes." |
| ❝ | | | "there are worse things than being alone but it often takes decades to realize this and most often when you do it's too late and there's nothing worse than too late." | | | | "oh, yes" by Charles Bukowski |
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That's all for now. See you next Sunday. |
— Cal |
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🌎️ Three other things you might enjoy |
Doing Time Right: Everyone wants to get more done in less time. This course will show you exactly how to do that with the eliminate, automate, delegate, and iterate framework. Foundations. Looking for good books to read? Check out Foundations, a growing digital notebook with notes & lessons from 100+ timeless books. Listen to the Podcast: Feel like school didn't prepare you for adulthood? The Sh*t You Don't Learn in School podcast exists to help make up for this societal failure.
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